It’s all been slow, and keeps on being slow. It takes me too long to wake up and too long to fall asleep and I never feel quite in the right place to get work done. There’s a rhythm to work, hi-ho hi-ho, and I have lost the beat.
I’m not sure what to do about it.
It’s not like I haven’t been doing anything. I still make sure to put in at least 30-60 minutes every day. But now, when my head’s down in it, it’s there for just long enough to do the thing that needs to be done next, and as soon as I can justify it to myself I stop working – not because I would rather be doing something else, but because I would rather be doing nothing. I’m really not sure if it’s bad habit or a slight depression or the weather or the fact that the world seems to be going fucking nuts, but it’s hard.
It will always be hard, in different ways. The stars will never line up in just the perfect way to make everything I do wonderful and easy, and if they do they won’t stay aligned for long. So okay, whatever. I’ll do what I can, and at times what that will be may shift up or down, and I may enjoy it more or less. I’ll survive not caring long enough to care again. I’ll persist through the lows in fond memory of the highs, and even though I don’t know if the golden days will ever get here I’ll just get what I can out of the silver and brass ones.
Part of existing is sometimes you feel like a total fucking chump.
So hey about that game I’m making. The particle behavior editor is almost done, but I don’t have a screenshot because I’ve basically built it from the inside out, ensuring that for the entire week I was hammering away at a wall of text without ever seeing any of the compiled fruits of my labors. This is probably not helping my mood. Nevertheless, I think it’s mostly done, and in a day or two I can probably wrap it up. At that point I just need to make it possible to assign graphics to the details/particles – obviously that’s pretty important, and unfortunately will probably take a fair bit of architecture. Or maybe I’ll figure out something clever and it won’t. We shall see.